| I love jokes and humorous
stories. Here are a few for your pleasure that have arrived in
my inbox over the years, and some links below to other, funny sites.
The ones in maroon
are a bit on the dirty side. Enjoy.
Change is inevitable,
except from a vending machine.
I want to die in my sleep like my
grandfather - not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his
|The Soviet propaganda ministry ordered 10 million
condoms from an American manufacturer, all 16" long and 3" in diameter.
The American manufacturer filled the order, sending the merchandise in
boxes marked 'medium.' |
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in
case heaven is like the IRS.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got.
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he, says, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."
|Caption on a picture in an article about wildlife photos: BLACK BEAR The black bear used to be one of the most commonly seen large animals because in Yosemite and Sequoia national parks they lived off of garbage and tourist handouts. This bear has learned to open car doors in Yosemite, where damage to automobiles caused by bears runs into the tens of thousands of dollars a year. Campaigns to bearproof all garbage containers in wild areas have been difficult, because as one biologist put it, "There is a considerable overlap between the intelligence levels of the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists."|
A few longer stories:
English Mistakes is a classic that has made the rounds for many years, but is still funny. Another one of my favorites is a bunch of reputedly actual Headlines. Another list that is said to be from real life but probably isn't is this list of court quotes. If you are one of those people that find history boring, you should read it according to student bloopers.
|Joke of the Week|
|Calvin and Hobbes|